When I think about how much happened in my life in 2014, I realize what crazy, amazing, and somewhat scary possibilities 2015 could hold. In the short twelve months in 2014, I learned the painful, but priceless lesson of how to value myself as God values me – or at least began the process of doing so. Stopping the self-hate cycle in my brain allowed me to let go of unhealthy and fruitless relationships and identify and accept relationships that pushed me closer to God. I really hate making sappy pop culture references, but Stephen Chbosky really got it right when he said in his book, The Perks of Being a Wallflower that "we accept the love we think we deserve." And I really didn't think I deserved much. But enter a sweet, kind, and loving (and handsome!) guy friend of five-years who reappeared on the scene right as I was making these discoveries and you have a recipe for romance.
In the short twelve months in 2014, I reconnected with, fell in love with, and agreed to marry my best friend.
And it doesn't end there! In the short twelve months in 2014, I finished my Bachelors degree in music. I presented two recitals, one shared with my dear friend Bekah, and another solo recital as the culmination of my entire undergraduate degree program. I challenged myself with difficult repertoire and made my own opportunities for growth outside of my degree program through competitions, master classes, and young artist programs. I spent the summer living in a foreign country studying opera, vocal technique, acting, and language and made incredible friends as a result. I grew my home business and gained voice student upon voice student, and learned so much more from teaching them than I ever would have learned by myself. I got a job (that started literally the day after my last final exam of undergrad) vocal directing for a musical theater group, and have been gloriously challenged and stretched in incredible ways.
In the twelve short months in 2014, I began to reap the benefits of a good work ethic and stick-to-it-iveness and never giving up on a childhood dream of being a prima donna, opera singer extraordinaire.
But even with all those wonderful happenings in 2014, it is so dreadfully easy to lose focus. By the end of the year, I was exhausted. Exhausted by wonderful things, yes, but still exhausted. And when we are at our weakest, the Devil sees the opportunity to do the most damage. With all of the big life changes on the horizon, graduating undergrad, getting a job, growing my home business, getting married, moving, applying to grad schools, being a good wife while in grad school, surviving grad school, kids(?!?!), and who knows what else, my brain nearly exploded. Worrying and unwarranted hopelessness washed over me like a flood and I began to think solely in "if only..." categories. "If only I had studied something in school that would qualify me better for jobs" I mean I could have saved a whole lot of money on college if I was going to graduate and only have to learn how to say "welcome to starbucks, what can I get started for you," right? "If only I knew exactly what career path God wanted me to take in order to use my gifts wisely," which was, if I may say so, one of the better "one ifs" in my repertoire but still very short-sighted. "If only I knew when God wants me and Jesse to [fill in the blank: buy a house, have kids, etc] so we could plan and prepare better for the vast chasm that is the future." All these and more played over and over in my head like a broken record growing louder and louder with every skip and repeat.
Finally, I had to take a minute and just say, STOP.
I had so easily lost sight of the very point of life itself. The point of life is not to become the world's definition of a successful individual. The point of life is not to plan perfectly for every event in life so that you can feel comfortable. As the Westminster Catechism so profoundly states, our purpose in life is "to glorify God and enjoy him forever." Cornelius Plantinga in his book Not the Way it's Supposed to Be: A Breviary of Sin spoke directly to my heart in this situation when he wrote:
"Human flourishing is the same thing as glorifying God and enjoying him forever, and human wisdom is an inevitable, and human happiness a frequent, by-product of such flourishing. In the mystery of God's providence, those who do seek the kingdom find that various other flourishings often follow, but not when directly aimed at. Much of what we want in the way of happiness, wisdom, and general self-actualization cannot be gotten by trying for it. To try deliberately for self-actualization is like trying very hard to fall asleep or to have a good time."
The things I spend so much time striving for and worrying about are, in actuality, not worth a nanosecond of my time. When we seek Christ and His kingdom first, everything else falls into place. Now, things may not always "fall into place" the way we want them to. Believe me. I'm a type-A, neurotic as heck, perfectionist, and things very rarely go EXACTLY the way I would have them go. But my love for God has to outweigh my fear of failure. To make my aim to glorify God and enjoy Him forever is, as Platinga so aptly puts it "to become more and more the sort of person for whom eternal life with God would be sheer heaven," and that is the mark of a truly successful individual.
So, this is my resolution for 2015, a year full of wedding plans, a WEDDING, marriage, applying to grad schools, and paying grown-up bills: to begin making glorifying God and enjoying Him as my chief goal in life.
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Please feel free to share what you learned from 2014 or what your 2015 resolutions are in the comment section below!
