With Arms High and Heart Abandoned

If you have been following my blog at all or if you know me personally, then you know that this past December when I graduated college, by God’s awesome provision, I got a job right off the bat. At that point, I knew that I needed to make giving back to God in tithe a habit in my life... and as soon as possible. This post goes out to all of the readers of this blog who, like me, have struggled with the whole tithing issue and the guilt that always seems to go along with it. This is what I learned after a month of faithful tithing.

As I mentioned, I got a job right as I graduated college, so I figured that was as good a time as any to start trying to fulfill God’s command to tithe of whatever I make. In high school and college I really struggled with how to tithe because I didn’t have a real job or a steady income. However, since that situation changed with my college graduation,  I really, really, really wanted to learn how to give financially out of a generous heart and not out of a sense of obligation or guilt. Having gone to a conservative Christian college  for my undergrad, I was used to being  guilt-tripped in order to produce the type of behavior others wanted out of me. I was very used to feeling like whatever I was doing in my Christian life was not enough. If I wasn’t burned out spiritually, emotionally, and physically, it wasn’t enough. Now, whether my interpretation of what I was being taught at this school was accurate or not, I take full responsibility for the fact that I pushed myself farther and farther away from God during those years and became more and more removed from feeling the joy of serving him with a generous heart.

During this same time period just after I graduated, and like I wrote about in my last post, I was dealing with a lot of fear and worry regarding my future. For the past almost 20 years of my life, I have always known what I was going to be doing the next year: go to school and continue my education. Now all of a sudden, I was entering real life: work, marriage, figuring out how to afford to pay adult bills, the possibility of graduate school in the future and all the effort and financial resources that would entail, how to be the world’s definition of “successful”... you name it and I worried about it! My life was no longer being dictated to me! I could do whatever I wanted and that was exactly what I DIDN’T want. However, at the point I wrote my last blog post, I had come to the decision that, even though I wasn’t making the amount of money I felt was “successful,” nor did I know exactly what the future held other than marrying my wonderful fiancé and starting a life together, I would trust God and make glorifying HIM my primary goal.

With the dovetailing of my new goal of glorifying God and my “experiment,” if you will, with tithing faithfully, I started my journey out of fear and into trust and all the peace and tranquility that living in shalom, God’s rest, gives. I almost hesitate to go on with my story of what I learned at this point because I don’t want you, my dear readers, to take this post as an advocation for prosperity gospel. However, I would like to share with you a few things that happened after I began tithing to God out of a grateful heart.

1. I was offered another job vocal directing a show for higher pay

2. I got offered a teaching position for several evening voice classes for the same theater group I work with now

3. I gained a new weekly voice student who asked if she could pay me a month and a half in advance (just so she didn’t “forget”)

4. A paid singing gig I accepted for this Spring actually offered to pay me double if I could come to 5. one extra rehearsal and sing some extra music

6. God provided money for me to buy a used car when I get married this Fall in the form of scholarship money I had won in high school and put in the bank and forgotten about for YEARS

7. I began regularly studying with a new voice teacher who has encouraged me and spurred me on to new growth as a singer and convinced me that pursuing a Masters in music is what I should be doing and that I am good enough to do it

8. I found out that a subbing job I took just to help out a friend in a bind is actually paying me for my work

9. I found out my fiancé got a raise and a bonus at work and is well on his way to a promotion

10. One of my pastors asked to meet with me and spent time asking me about how life post-graduating was going and asked how he could help me continue to be challenged in music through the church’s  ministries

Now these things did not happen because God “owed” me or had to “reward” me for tithing. I was simply able to appreciate these blessings because I stopped worrying about ME providing for the future and I let GOD provide for the future. And let me tell you, He is WAY better at it than we are. I did not pray and ask God to give me more money, and I didn’t pray for God to send special people into my life to encourage me while I was in a place of confusion and turmoil over what to do with my life. But God knew that’s what I needed. He provided for needs I didn’t know I had. And THAT is what is beautiful about tithing. It is about learning to trust. It is about opening up your clenched fists and saying, “God, this is all yours. And by doing this I am acknowledging that I am yours, the world is yours, and everything in it. Even the money I make and the work I do and the things I think I earn by my own merit. They are yours not mine. And I know you will provide for all my needs, including the ones I don’t even know about.” By tithing to him weekly, I am continually crucifying my flesh and saying, “I am not going to worry because it’s not mine.”

Being successful is not about hoarding up money so that you can afford to buy all the things that make you comfortable and happy and privileged. It’s about working hard so that you can give more and more away. Just from reading that list of wonderful things that happened to me in the past month, you can see how truly extravagant God is. I didn’t NEED any of those things. But he provided them. How can I not, then, be extravagant with God and with others in return? Not out of a sense of guilt or obligation, but out of the desire in my heart to mirror the one with whom I am united, Christ, the ultimate giver, who gives himself continually to us as our salvation and our living hope. I am looking forward to the months to come and learning how to trust God more and more and rely on His provision. It’s been an amazing adventure so far and I know it will only get better. I hope some of you will join me on this journey! Please comment below and share your journey of learning to trust God so far this year, I would love to hear it!

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"I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the one who gave it all"

Au Revoir, 2014!

With the new year upon me, I have found myself spending a lot of time in reflection. While I am not usually one to make resolutions, this year I have made an exception.

When I think about how much happened in my life in 2014, I realize what crazy, amazing, and somewhat scary possibilities 2015 could hold. In the short twelve months in 2014, I learned the painful, but priceless lesson of how to value myself as God values me – or at least began the process of doing so. Stopping the self-hate cycle in my brain allowed me to let go of unhealthy and fruitless relationships and identify and accept relationships that pushed me closer to God. I really hate making sappy pop culture references, but Stephen Chbosky really got it right when he said in his book, The Perks of Being a Wallflower that "we accept the love we think we deserve." And I really didn't think I deserved much. But enter a sweet, kind, and loving (and handsome!) guy friend of five-years who reappeared on the scene right as I was making these discoveries and you have a recipe for romance.

In the short twelve months in 2014, I reconnected with, fell in love with, and agreed to marry my best friend.

And it doesn't end there! In the short twelve months in 2014, I finished my Bachelors degree in music. I presented two recitals, one shared with my dear friend Bekah, and another solo recital as the culmination of my entire undergraduate degree program. I challenged myself with difficult repertoire and made my own opportunities for growth outside of my degree program through competitions, master classes, and young artist programs. I spent the summer living in a foreign country studying opera, vocal technique, acting, and language and made incredible friends as a result. I grew my home business and gained voice student upon voice student, and learned so much more from teaching them than I ever would have learned by myself. I got a job (that started literally the day after my last final exam of undergrad) vocal directing for a musical theater group, and have been gloriously challenged and stretched in incredible ways.

In the twelve short months in 2014, I began to reap the benefits of a good work ethic and stick-to-it-iveness and never giving up on a childhood dream of being a prima donna, opera singer extraordinaire.

But even with all those wonderful happenings in 2014, it is so dreadfully easy to lose focus. By the end of the year, I was exhausted. Exhausted by wonderful things, yes, but still exhausted. And when we are at our weakest, the Devil sees the opportunity to do the most damage. With all of the big life changes on the horizon, graduating undergrad, getting a job, growing my home business, getting married, moving, applying to grad schools, being a good wife while in grad school, surviving grad school, kids(?!?!), and who knows what else, my brain nearly exploded. Worrying and unwarranted hopelessness washed over me like a flood and I began to think solely in "if only..." categories. "If only I had studied something in school that would qualify me better for jobs" I mean I could have saved a whole lot of money on college if I was going to graduate and only have to learn how to say "welcome to starbucks, what can I get started for you," right? "If only I knew exactly what career path God wanted me to take in order to use my gifts wisely," which was, if I may say so, one of the better "one ifs" in my repertoire but still very short-sighted. "If only I knew when God wants me and Jesse to [fill in the blank: buy a house, have kids, etc] so we could plan and prepare better for the vast chasm that is the future." All these and more played over and over in my head like a broken record growing louder and louder with every skip and repeat.

Finally, I had to take a minute and just say, STOP.

I had so easily lost sight of the very point of life itself. The point of life is not to become the world's definition of a successful individual. The point of life is not to plan perfectly for every event in life so that you can feel comfortable. As the Westminster Catechism so profoundly states, our purpose in life is "to glorify God and enjoy him forever." Cornelius Plantinga in his book Not the Way it's Supposed to Be: A Breviary of Sin spoke directly to my heart in this situation when he wrote:

 "Human flourishing is the same thing as glorifying God and enjoying him forever, and human wisdom is an inevitable, and human happiness a frequent, by-product of such flourishing. In the mystery of God's providence, those who do seek the kingdom find that various other flourishings often follow, but not when directly aimed at. Much of what we want in the way of happiness, wisdom, and general self-actualization cannot be gotten by trying for it. To try deliberately for self-actualization is like trying very hard to fall asleep or to have a good time."

The things I spend so much time striving for and worrying about are, in actuality, not worth a nanosecond of my time. When we seek Christ and His kingdom first, everything else falls into place. Now, things may not always "fall into place" the way we want them to. Believe me. I'm a type-A, neurotic as heck, perfectionist, and things very rarely go EXACTLY the way I would have them go. But my love for God has to outweigh my fear of failure. To make my aim to glorify God and enjoy Him forever is, as Platinga so aptly puts it "to become more and more the sort of person for whom eternal life with God would be sheer heaven,"  and that is the mark of a truly successful individual.

So, this is my resolution for 2015, a year full of wedding plans, a WEDDING, marriage, applying to grad schools, and paying grown-up bills: to begin making glorifying God and enjoying Him as my chief goal in life.

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Please feel free to share what you learned from 2014 or what your 2015 resolutions are in the comment section below!